Montana Divorce Guide

Telling Your Children About Divorce

What pediatric guidance says about the conversation, and what Montana courts expect of parents once a case is filed.

Written by

Licensed Montana attorney and co-founder of A&M Law. Over two decades in the practice of law focusing on family law, criminal defense, and DUI defense, with federal and state court experience and a Certificate in Mediation.

Montana Bar #122346+ years as an attorney, with over two decades working in the lawReviewed by Ashley HurlbertLast reviewed: September 11, 2026

Key Takeaways: Telling Your Children About Divorce

Keep the message clear and simple, and leave out details that could make a child feel they caused the divorce or must fix it. That is the American Academy of Pediatrics' guidance on HealthyChildren.org.
The AAP says parents should explain it ideally together, in a calm tone. If being together is not safe, it does not have to be done that way.
Children need to hear, more than once, that it is not their fault and that both parents love them.
Tailor the conversation to the child's age and maturity, and keep routines steady.
In a Montana case involving a minor child, the court must tell parents about educational programs on the effects of divorce on children and may order attendance (MCA § 40-4-226).
In Missoula and Mineral Counties, a local rule requires a Parenting Plan Orientation program before the case can go to final hearing.

The guidance pediatricians give for telling children about a divorce is short: keep the message clear and simple, deliver it together and calmly if you can, leave blame out, and make sure the children know it is not their fault and that both parents still love them. This page summarizes that guidance from the American Academy of Pediatrics and explains what Montana courts ask of parents once a case begins. It is part of our Montana Divorce Guide. We are lawyers, not child psychologists, so for the conversation itself we rely on the AAP, and we encourage you to talk with your child's pediatrician or a family therapist.

What the American Academy of Pediatrics Recommends

The AAP publishes guidance for parents on its HealthyChildren.org site in an article titled "How to Talk to Your Children about Divorce." Its main points:

Keep the message clear and simple. For all children, leave out "messy details that could lead children to believe that they need to fix the problem or that they are the cause of the divorce."
Tell them together if you can. The article says parents, "ideally together," should explain in a calm tone.
Say that it is an adult decision. The AAP stresses that children must know nothing they did caused the split, and that this must be "reinforced repeatedly."
Reassure them about safety and love. Children usually focus on whether they will remain secure, and the keys to answering their questions are "clarity, honesty, and reassurance that they will remain safe and loved."
Keep listening. Some questions come right away and others later, so give children repeated opportunities to ask and to say what worries them.

Fit the Conversation to the Child's Age

The AAP notes that children at different developmental levels understand divorce differently, so parents need to tailor the discussion to each child's maturity.

Young children. Maintain routines, be consistent with rules and expectations, and give extra affection. Repeat the reassurance that the divorce is not their fault and that you love them.
Teens. They will likely want more detail about the divorce and how it will affect their lives. The AAP recommends open, calm conversations, support for their emotional reactions, and continued high expectations for their behavior.

If you have children of different ages, one approach is a short conversation with everyone together, followed by time with each child alone.

The Questions Children Have but May Not Ask

The AAP lists questions that children often carry without voicing them: Was this my fault? Could I have done anything to keep you together? Will you still love me if you do not live with me? How often will I see you? Do I have to move or change schools? Will we have enough money?

You will not have every answer on the first day, and it is honest to say so. Be up front about what you do know will change, and tell them you will let them know as other things are decided. The AAP also advises minimizing disruptions to daily routines as much as possible.

What to Keep Out of the Conversation

This is where pediatric guidance and Montana law point the same direction. One stated objective of a final parenting plan is to "maintain the child's emotional stability and minimize the child's exposure to parental conflict" (MCA § 40-4-233(3)). The court decides parenting according to the best interest of the child, and the statute treats frequent and continuing contact with both parents as being in the child's best interest unless the court determines, after a hearing, that contact with a parent would be detrimental (MCA § 40-4-212(1)(l)).

Do not blame the other parent or explain adult reasons such as money or an affair.
Do not ask a child to choose between you, carry messages, or report on the other household.
Do not discuss court filings, support, or legal strategy with them.
Do not promise outcomes you do not control, such as where everyone will live.

See what not to do during a divorce for the broader list.

When Telling Them Together Is Not Safe

The advice to tell children together assumes two parents who can be calm in the same room. If there has been violence, threats, or intimidation, your safety and the children's safety come first. If you are in danger, call 911. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. Montana's best interest factors include physical abuse or the threat of physical abuse by one parent against the other parent or the child (MCA § 40-4-212(1)(f)). See our Montana Domestic Violence Guide.

Parent Education Programs in Montana Courts

In a dissolution or parenting plan proceeding involving a minor child, the court must inform the parties of available educational programs concerning the effects of dissolution of marriage on children. If the court finds it would be in the child's best interest, it must order the parties to attend a court-sanctioned program. The program must be educational in nature and may not be designed for individual therapy (MCA § 40-4-226(1)).

Local rules can make this a standing requirement. In the Fourth Judicial District, which covers Missoula and Mineral Counties, Rule 12(A) of the district's Rules of Practice (revised October 31, 2025) states that the judges have determined it is in the best interests of minor children that parties in a dissolution or parenting plan proceeding attend a Parenting Plan Orientation program. Under that rule, the case cannot proceed to final hearing until proof of attendance from each party has been filed. The rule also accepts a certificate of completion from a named web-based parenting education program as an alternative. Other districts have their own rules, so check with the clerk of district court where your case is filed. Our page on divorce court in Missoula County has more on local practice.

After the First Conversation

One talk is the beginning. Children react over weeks and months, and the AAP suggests helping them find ways to cope with their feelings, such as artwork, talking to a friend, or exercise. Tell teachers or child care providers what is happening so they can watch for changes. If a child seems persistently sad, anxious, or angry, talk to the pediatrician.

The legal work that follows should support the same goals. A parenting plan sets the schedule and decision-making, and our pages on parenting schedules by age and co-parenting after divorce go further. Parents who want to work the plan out together can do so through the firm's cooperative parenting plan process.

This page explains Montana law in general as of the 2025 Montana Code Annotated and summarizes guidance published by the American Academy of Pediatrics. It is not legal advice about your specific case, and it is not medical or psychological advice.

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FAQ

Telling Your Children About Divorce FAQ

When should we tell our children we are getting divorced?

No statute addresses timing, and the AAP page we relied on does not name a specific day or lead time. It does say to be up front about what will change in children's daily lives and to help prepare them ahead of time. In practice that means telling them once the decision is firm and before a parent moves out, not in the middle of an argument.

Should we tell the children together?

The AAP's guidance on HealthyChildren.org says parents, ideally together, should explain the decision in a calm tone. Telling them together lets children hear one message and see that both parents are still their parents. If there has been abuse, or if you cannot be in the same room without conflict, tell them separately with the same agreed message.

How much should we tell them about why?

Less than you may want to. The AAP advises leaving out messy details that could lead children to believe they need to fix the problem or that they are the cause. It suggests language along the lines of: we have decided we cannot live together anymore, it was an adult decision, and it has nothing to do with you.

Does Montana require a parenting class for divorcing parents?

State law requires the court to inform parents of available educational programs and to order attendance at a court-sanctioned program if it finds that would be in the child's best interest (MCA § 40-4-226(1)). Some districts go further by local rule. The Fourth Judicial District (Missoula and Mineral Counties) requires each party to attend a Parenting Plan Orientation program and file proof before the final hearing.

Will the judge ask my child which parent they want to live with?

The wishes of the child are one of the best interest factors a court may consider (MCA § 40-4-212(1)(b)), alongside many others. That is different from asking a child to choose, which parents should not do. See does my child get to choose.

Want Help Building a Plan Around Your Children?

We can help you and your co-parent work out a parenting plan that keeps children out of the conflict. Call 406-830-3060 for a confidential consultation.

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